I've never been disappointed by a Ridley Scott movie until this weekend. Robin Hood was a total piece of shit.

Even if I do reveal the plot as spoilers in this, I'm sure you'll thank me later. The movie isn't worth the price of discount bin rental.

Essentially it's something like this:

• Robin isn't Robin at all, he's Robert Longstride the forgotten son of a stone mason and philosopher. At a certain point he takes up the mantle of Robin of Locksley to avoid being executed.
• England seems to be having some kind of Dark Ages revival. Everything is muddy, shitty and poverty stricken. The King is a hapless child with a penchant for French tail (all of this seems reasonable now that I think about it)
• There are children in the woods of Nottingham. Later we find they're orphans. I thought they were the kids from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome until that revelation is dropped on us. They steal grain from a village that'd probably take them in if they'd put on some shoes and stop wearing masks.
• Marion doesn't like that Robert (now Robin) is impersonating her dead husband. Until she realizes he's Russell Crowe. Then she's cool with it. And to make us feel better that she's mourned her husband for 32 minutes before falling for Longstride she goes through an awkward dialogue about how she hardly knew him. But you know; waited ten years for his return anyway.
• A member of the English court is a traitor and tries to spark civil war so the French can invade. He does this by making the English poor through taxation. Of course, they're already poor from taxation and ready to revolt anyway. So all he ends up doing is giving the English something to occupy themselves instead of their poverty.
• Robert... Robin... Remembers how awesome his dad was and convinces all of Northern England that what they need is a declaration of independence.
• The French land on the beach and are met by Marion and the orphan children. The orphans are riding ponies and fighting with sharp sticks (I'm not kidding). Marion apparently had some black chain mail and a lot of knightly training at the English Women's Liberation Camps when she was a kid.
• Robin Hood rises in slow motion from the water on the beach in England. That's right: England has beaches.
• The traitorous villain gets killed.
• The King betrays his subjects.
• Robin moves in with the orphans.
• I try to slit my wrists with the edge of a popcorn bag.